…can, quite frankly, do one.
I’ve just rounded off my day by sending the wrong link to a casting director. Which link? Why, the one with the trigger warning, of course. I don’t cock up by halves.
How did I do it? Well, I wrote a short cover note and explained my experience in immersive theatre, opened my website in another tab, went back to the application and pressed paste. Thing is, I forgot to press copy, so it sent the last link that I copied. I then clicked send and in the millisecond it took me to do so, thought; “that link looked a bit long”.
So I’ve just tried to find an email address for her – failed. Found her on LinkedIn – wasn’t allowed to connect. Found her on Twitter – no tweets for years. I managed to find her on Facebook and so have sent a long, rambling apology for both the link that I sent, and messaging her on Facebook.
I wouldn’t have done this if the link didn’t contain sensitive material. Of all the incorrect links to send… FFS.
What else? Well, last night there was an explosion at my girlfriend’s block of flats. One of the flats set on fire and so my girlfriend had to evacuate. Luckily it was all sorted within a short timescale and everyone was okay, but it was scary hearing about it, especially as she had to leave our cat, Mia, inside a burning building.
I also turned up to a meeting this morning – and the other person didn’t. I’m not angry – they said they had been trying to contact me – but it meant I got up early again on the back of a late night, and I really do need some sleep now. Luckily I’ve nothing in my diary tomorrow other than admin, so I’ll wake up when my body wants to wake up.
I did at least manage to get to the gym today. Before I went, I meditated for the first time in a few days/weeks/a month/okay it was November and I felt a whole lot better for it. The gym has been helping me deal with some residual anger from the end of last year, but meditation is definitely what helps me stay compassionate.
It’s no secret that I genuinely despise the gym. I try to keep myself to myself. When people have suggested going with me as “gym buddies”, I tell them that I prefer to go alone. The anonymity and the fact I can cut myself off from everyone else are the only things I like about working out.
I don’t even like listening to music when I’m working out. Thankfully the shitty dance music in the background of my gym is low enough for me to ignore it, because I don’t like having earphones in or over my ears either.
#fuckthegym
That said, I thought I’d try something new today. Having just meditated, and just looked through the list of guided meditations that I have on my phone, I remembered that I had one entitled “Guided Meditation for Creativity”. Now, given that my biggest frustration in the gym is that there is nothing for my mind to do, I thought I’d try listening to that whilst I was on the treadmill. I’m not sure whether it was just the fact I was trying something new and so therefore more focussed on it than usual, but my first run passed swiftly. I was shocked when I looked down at the timer and saw that I’d run for the full duration of my first session. I even added on another minute because I didn’t feel that I’d pushed myself enough.
To me, running is the most boring thing in the world. I cannot comprehend on any level why people get excited about running, why people run marathons, why people build it in as part of their day, or why people get evangelical about it on social media. I did the Colour Run a couple of years ago to raise money for the charity that I’m trustee for, and although I enjoyed it, I felt kinda cheated because no one was really running, and I’d spent a good couple of months/weeks/days/hours/oh okay I ran a couple of times in the gym to prepare for it. Plus is was a massive corporate operation designed to make money rather than help people.
Anyway, running is sadly the only cardio I can do at the moment. I don’t do bikes. I’m not even going to try to explain, you just wouldn’t understand. And if anyone starts tweeting me evangelically about cycling, you’ll be blocked quicker than you can say loose nuts. I can’t do the rowing machine until the doctor gives me clearance, as I’m anxious about putting pressure on my abdomen. I had my gallbladder taken out in October and so it’s still tender in places, though it’s definitely nearly better. Of course, it’s also a good excuse not to do sit-ups or crunches, so I’m in no rush for that clearance.
Where was I going with this? Hang on. Need to check.
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Right, I’m back. So- I normally do three runs, interspersed with weights. I’m also limited to which machines I can work on because of my strained wrist (I did the wanking joke in a previous blog, keep up). I actually do enjoy the weight machines to some degree. The fact that I can move about between sets of reps makes me feel less trapped, and therefore I’m less agitated. Plus I like looking at all the machines and figuring out how they work. This enjoyment will no doubt end once I’ve tried them all.
On to the second run. This time I decided to put some Drake White in my headphones, and decided that if I got through three songs, that would be a ten minute run, which is more than I normally do. Yes – this fat white bald bloke from the Midlands was listening to country music in a gym in the south of England. I was definitely the coolest person in there. I should say as well that I managed to restrict myself to miming, which I consider a success. I managed to run for the full ten minutes, but the last song was a bit of a struggle. In part because I’d chosen two songs I really wanted to hear at that moment, and the third was just what came after. Not saying it’s not a good song, it’s just one I could take or leave.
Back to the weights. My wrist is definitely improving. I managed to do a few extra weight machines without hurting it.
I fucking love this man.
Now – the final run. This is the one I really hate, though I know I can get through it as it’s the last thing I do before I head home. I tried a couple of things. Firstly, I listened to the end of the guided meditation I’d listened to on my first run. That didn’t work. I couldn’t focus my mind onto the visualisations, as I was no longer in the original moment and I had half an eye on going home. So I stuck on some Andrew WK…
Hang on. Just pre-ordering his new album. Nearly forgot to do that.
Right. Done. Look at that album cover – awesome!
Yeah, so I stuck on some Andrew WK to try to fire me up for the last run.
It didn’t work. I just clock-watched until I’d finished.
I think it says something when the best thing that happened today was I found new coping mechanisms for the gym.
I haven’t touched on the fallout of the allegations in the UK wrestling scene yet either. I’ve been watching Twitter closely for the last couple of days. I think we’re going to see more and more big names quietly disappear over the next few weeks. It appears that the events of a couple of days ago have given more victims the strength to speak out. It’s a tragedy that this ever happened, but let’s hope that this is a turning point for the scene. I hope that going forward, people will call this behaviour out when they see it. I hope that justice is served and that every person abusing their position of power in the scene is shitting themselves right now.
In a strange way, the angrier I’ve got with the behaviour of people, the more it’s made me want to be part of it. I feel like I can bring something to UK wrestling – even if it’s just as an observant messenger-boy. I guess the protective part of me wants to be able to stop things like this happening again, and keep an eye on suspicious behaviour.
I’ve always had ideas above my station. First things first, I’ve got to figure out how to get through a one-hour workout on my own…